Cruise Part 2. In which I test my claustrophobia.

FNot a sun lover. Not a heat lover. Not a tanner. So where do I go for holidays? Oh....Tanzania, India, Greece, Bahamas, Mexico, you know, all those hot spots. 😕 And now Central America. Who said "sucker for punishment?"

Anyhow, I've never been fond of the heat, but I can tolerate it, assuming that whining and crying and complaining and making sure that everyone knows how sweaty and cranky I am means tolerate. 

But tanning? Who'd subject themselves to deliberately sitting in the sun? You know, standing in a line somewhere, or mowing the lawn, or just doing general outside stuff, well, that's part of life, but to do it on purpose? Yeah, you guys are nuts. Nuts. 

Now, to backtrack a little. Last time I got my hair cut, my hairdresser said "Oh, you've spent enough money to have earned xxx amount of points so you can get 30 minutes of free tanning, or free product."  And somehow, before I could stop myself,  the word "Tanning" fell right out of my mouth. I looked around to see who had said that, and imagine my surprise when it was me. I don't tan. I mean, I don't tan. Those coffin-style containers? With deadly rays being shot into my body? I feel short of breath just thinking about it. 

So, months go by. I'm ghostly pale. I book a cruise. The little voice in the back of my head is whispering "Use the minutes....use them....don't be such a wuss....use them, use them, use them". The other voice, the one I consider to be more common sense, is saying "The contraption will malfunction and you'll be burned to a radioactive crisp. And then the First Responders will see your mismatched and tattered underwear....and you know what your mother always said...."

So I went out and bought new underwear and asked my hairdresser how it all worked, and did I have to be locked into a tanning bed? I'm pretty behind the times with trendy things, so I was happy to find out that I could stand up in a little room. 

I filled out the liability form (see? Why a liability form if it's sooooo safe.....?) and considering my sun abhorrence, I barely got the ok to tan for 2 minutes. Heather showed me how to put the little silver conical things on my eyes, and where to stand and where the start button was. And then I was on my own. In this miniscule room where I tried to undress without my ass hitting the door and knocking it open for the staff and customers to see me in all my cellulite glory. Although I did have new underwear on, so there was that.

I eventually got from that miniscule room into the even more miniscule actual tanning room. It hadlong fluorescent-type bulbs with what seemed to be chicken wire covering them, and I felt pretty sure that it would electrocute me if I so much as touched anything. I then realized that I wasn't sure which button was "start", so I gingerly backed out, unstuck the silver cones from my eyes, put my glasses on and checked to see where the "start" button was. And then shut the electrical door again. And poked the silver cones back into my eye sockets. And being claustrophobic, I of course, shut the door gently, and then made sure it would open, and then shut it a bit more firmly and then checked it again. And then opened it to push the "start" button. And then realized I still had my socks on.  Well fuck. Repeat the whole process. 

Finally I am standing there, sockless, thinking how  ridiculous I must look, arms akimbo, hanging on to a strap above my head, feeling like a Bizarro World scene from 50 Shades of Gray. The lights are bright, and the heat is intense and even though I know Heather set it for two minutes, I'm pretty sure at least 30 minutes has gone by and I think I feel the fluid inside my eyeballs start to boil. Dammit, I must have put the silver cone things on both inside out and backwards and the rays are focusing into my inner eyeballs, like when you use a magnifying glass to burn ants. I did enjoy having sight, and now it's gone. 

I wonder if she forgot about me? Maybe she set it for 20 minutes and not for 2. Why isn't it shutting off? Maybe I was supposed to set something myself? What if they thought I was gone, and they've all left for lunch? What will happen if I just leave? Will the death rays shoot out into the waiting room? Why did Heather say, as she left me: "It'll be over before you know it". What does she know that I don't? 

As all these things are running through my mind, the lights go out and the heat stops. I breath deeply and open the electric door. Done. I survived two minutes in a tanning booth. Thanks Heather, for showing me the joys of tanning! I will return in a day or two and go for 4 minutes! And then for 6! I am a warrior!