Who IS that strange old lady?

A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there, and the next day she was.

She is a clever old lady, and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror I get a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is, hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude. I have tried yelling at her, but she mimics me and yells back.

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I withdraw $100, and in a day or 2, it's all gone. I certainly don't spend money THAT fast, so I can only conclude that the old lady is pilfering from me.

You'd think she'd use some of that money to buy wrinkle cream. Lord knows she needs it. And money isn't the only thing she is stealing; food seems to disappear at an alarming rate-especially the good stuff like ice-cream and cookies. I can't seem to keep the stuff in the house anymore.

She must have a real sweet tooth, but she'd better watch it because she is really packing on the pounds. I suspect that she realizes this, and to make herself feel better she is tampering with my scale to make me think that I am putting on weight too.

For an old lady she is really quite childish. She likes to play nasty games like going into my closets when I am not home and altering my clothes so that they don't fit. And she messes with my files and papers so that I can't find anything.

She also fiddles with my VCR that that it doesn't record what I have carefully and correctly programmed.

She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail and newspapers before I do and blurs the print so that I can't read it. She has done something really sinister to the volume on my TV and radio, now all I hear is mumbles and whispers.

She has done other things-like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and faucetts harder to turn. She has even applied glue to the lids of jars making it almost impossible for me to open them. Is that any way to repay my hospitality?

She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes.

When I try something on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks TOTALLY ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus, she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.

Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She followed me when I went to get my picture taken for my new driver's licence, and JUST as the shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me!

No one is going to believe that the picture of that old lady is me....