Phone Woes.

So I had to phone Telus. We came home from holidays and before we got home we had to stop at a grocery store and get cream for coffee the next day. Safeway was closed because there was a power outage. That was stressful enough.....not knowing if I was gonna be able to get cream for coffee. When I wake up all I can focus on is coffee...coffee..... I have tunnel vision and this is what I see:

But I digress. We came home, did a bit of unpacking and I decided to download my pictures, only to see that there was no Internet. Hmmm, I figured the power outage must have blown a transformer or something. I don't know if today's technology even has transformers, or what they are, but no big deal. A few hours later I thought that perhaps I'd just give Telus a call....just to make sure it wasn't a computer problem that was solely mine because I have been known to screw up a computer now and then. I felt hopefull for a quick result. I felt like this:

Imagine my dismay when I picked up the cordless phone only to find it dead. Imagine my further delay when I picked up the landline to find it dead too. And imagine the sinking feeling I had when I went to the three neighbors who also have Telus only to find out that they were all away. Away on a long weekend...what nerve. I asked a Shaw neighbor, and a Bell neighbor if they had service, and they all did. One neighbor said "Oh, Telus was doing something in that underground box on the corner of your lot...laying Telus fiber optic cables." I coud feel my facial expression do this:

So. Our phone showed no calls since August 22. Now it's Aug 31. Tomorrow is a stat holiday, I may not have phone or Internet for a few days yet. I know that people have been trying to call us, and might be worried. I'm starting to feel like this:

We decide to go for a walk and one block up the street what do we see? A Telus truck! With a Telus man! Maybe we will get some help. I walk over and ask him if I can run my Telus problem by him, and he reluctantly agrees. I tell the story and he quickly interrupts me to announce that it wasn't them, couldn't be them, they have nothing to do with house lines. I mention that it just seems odd that Telus guys were laying Telus lines in the Telus box on my corner and we now we have no Telus service. Am I right?? Apparently not. He vehemently disagreed. 

"Well", I sighed, "do you have a work phone I can use so that I can at least call and get a repairman?"

I was a bit stunned at his reply. "No" he says "I wouldn't even know who to call anyhow"  "Oh." I said, and added somewhat sarcastically: "Its just that you're in a truck that says Telus Service Provider on the side, so I sort of assumed you might provide some Telus service. Whatever."  And off we go. 

However...hoorah! I see the neighbors pull in...the telus neighbors. They quickly check their phone and wifi and...and....and....they have service. So it's only us. They let me use their phone to call the repair line. In a nutshell, this is how it went:

 I dialed all the numbers and hit all the appropriated numbers and listened to all the menu choices and eventually a man answers and introduces himself as "Lord. L-O-R-D"  "Holy shit" I thought to myself, "Talk about outsourcing."

Alas, once I heard the accent I realized I was merely outsourced to India.

I explained what was wrong. 

Lord said "Yes, I think we can help you with that. Let me run some diagnostics" He returned to say that there were no outages and that everything seemed fine."

Me:" Well, I don't know what to tell you except it isn't fine.".

Lord: "Oooohh...but I hear it ring."

Me: "I know. I phoned my house with a cell phone. I hear a ring too,  but I don't know where the ring is because it isn't ringing here."

Lord: "Let me run some diagnostics. Can I call you back should we be disconnected?"

Me: "Uhhhh....no. I have no phone service. You know, thus this phone call?"

Lord: "OK. What is your cell phone number?"

Me: "I don't actually have one."

Lord: "OK, but what is the number?"

Me: "You don't understand. I don't have one."

Lord: "OK, but you just give me the number please?"

Me: "We've  borrowed one, but it's all out of minutes, so you can't call me on it."

Lord: "Ok, good. Give me the number please?"

Me: "Oh. My. God. 250-489-1235

Lord: "Oh thank you. I will be right back."

~~a few minutes go by as I stand under a tree mumbling under my breath~~

Lord returns. He says the diagnostics still show no problem, so he wants "us" to do the following. I'm to unplug all the portables, the landline and then the computer and then replug it all in again one by one and he will watch the diagnostics and it will hopefully show where the problem lies.

So now I'm getting really cranky. 

Me: "Listen Lord. That won't work. I'm at the neighbors. Their phone won't work in my house. I'm sure not about to run over, unplug a phone, run back here, wait for you, run back and unplug the next one again and again and again. I need a repairman to come here."

Lord: "You can use the cell phone."

Me: "I. Don't. Have. One."

Lord: "Isnt anyone at the house?"

Me: "My husband. But wait...I'm not going to play a relay game where he runs up and down stairs and shouts out instructions to me and then me to you and so on. I need a repairman"

Lord: "Well. I can get you one for Friday."

Me: (in a bit of a hysterical shriek) "This is SUNDAY. I can't wait until FRIDAY. I was actually thinking tonight. Friday is totally unacceptable!" 

Now I'm feeling like this:

Lord does some secret Lord work as I seeth, and he returns with the news that someone will arrive tomorrow, between 8 and 5. They will phone 15 minutes before they show. I laugh in a bit of a crazed manner.

Me: "They can't phone...the phones are not working. They don't work!!!"

Silence from Lord. Then  I hear him in a firm voice:

"They must phone 15 minutes before they arrive"

I'm short of breath now, and it's possible that blood vessels are bursting in my head, and I say one more time, teeth gritted, jaws clenched: 

"The phones don't work. They can't phone me. I will be home. I will wait here all day. Someone will be here all day. I will not be able to hear the phone ring. It doesn't work. You make sure that they know that.  We will be home."

Lord: "They will call on the cell phone."

And Lord adds: "If your phones miraculously start to work and you don't call us and the service technician shows up, you will be charged for a service call."

I was actually stunned into silence at this comment.  

Lord, in a happy, chipper voice:"Is there anything else we can help you with today?"

Me: "I guess not,"

Lord: "Thank you for dealing with Telus then.  Have a nice day."

Me:

And as a follow up, the next morning the Telus Man showed up (and he did mention he phoned first, but then he read the note to appear anyhow. Thank you Lord. And I mean the Indian Lord.)

And I was smugly happy to find out that the earlier Telus Man had indeed disconnected our house line and failed to reconnect. Almost two weeks ago. So today's chore is to phone Telus and get some sort of restitution. It will be a miracle if they make me happy. I wonder if I should ask for Lord?